I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Got 2 free lines of blow from some random guys on the side of 13th street.....how's your Sunday going?
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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