So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
You are one with the wind and sky, bro.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
