I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I found out he put two potatoes in a jar because he wants to make his own vodka.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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