You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
