put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
What if we made a bunch of weed butter and then poured the butter into tiny rectangular molds and then chilled it so it was solid again and then wrapped it with the tin foil wrapping from restaurant butter and then left them at restaurants and wreaked utter havoc.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
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