she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
after a few more beers I realized that both my wife and I like Latin men.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Randomize
