Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
