tonight lets celebrate not being married
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
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