I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
