Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
A duck just looked me in the eye whilst I peed in a lake. I feel so dirty.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
