please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
Randomize
