But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
Yeah i mean there's 3 guys fighting over me. It would just be bitchy of me not to get with at least 1.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
You sent me a naked picture of you as a child? How is that normal
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
