FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I don't remember what you were saying to me in the bathroom. But whatever it was, yes, because i remember nodding a lot.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Well he wouldn't kiss me so I made out with a German girl, took a shot with my boss, and I think I sprained my ankle. It was a quiet Sunday for me.
Randomize
