My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Is she okay?
She may want to issue revenge punches, but medically fine.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
Randomize
