I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
What are the signs of a concussion? Please don't freak out.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
my god I love twenty year old dicks
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