Take xtc, wait 20 minutes and then take a shower. Trust me.
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Of course I have a pirate flag
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Randomize
