standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
