I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
