someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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