why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
