Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
