apparently they started giving me water shots and i couldnt tell the difference
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize