pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
