I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
im far more worried about your salsa intake than your weed intake
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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