if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #
ah tequila...
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
So for a second i just thought clitoris was a disease.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize