best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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