I found somebody to have a 3 sum with
shutup! Who?!?
Hahaha April fools!
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
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