Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I'd say you were a shitshow. Playing floating beer pong in the pool you kept filling other people's cups with pool water and laughing to yourself.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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