Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Using the salt from a pretzel bag for tequila shots. Come over.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
