Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Its the Friday before break. There are 20 kids in my 300 person lecture hall. All with the same what the fuck am I doing here look on there face.
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
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