i already hear my dad disowning me
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Randomize
