She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
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