i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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