just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
Anyone see the sob who took the piñata?
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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