His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
We used a snorkel as a funnel. Can you say desperate?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
