I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
Short Circuit remake moving forward, David Carradine dead by his own hand. Come home soon, society deteriorating rapidly. Nation's capitol likely not safe.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Convinced the domino's pizza delivery person to go to shaws and buy me a bottle of wild turkey. For america.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
