who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
We were supposed to have sex but we had smoked so much neither of us wanted to move.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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