thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Was she always missing a tooth or am I just now noticing it?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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