About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He taped a champagne bottle to both his hands and called himself edward champagne hands. At one point he poured some on his lap and said " Just needed to make sure my dick got some too"
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Randomize
