I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
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