I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
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