he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
And the cops told us we were all naked.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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