Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Success! We fucked roommates!
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
