heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
