My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I swear I'm going to walk in one day with you in a ballgag just masturbating feverishly
Well i can't stand the sound of my own crying
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
