What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
Ok. Cause im very serious about this. I wanna strip and do coke for a month
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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