OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
