You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
OH MY GOD THE LITTLE GIRL IS SITTING WITH US WHILE WE SMOKE. I'M NOT DOING THIS
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
Randomize
