i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
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