the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
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