I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
It's rum buckets o'clock
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
