The two bassists just totally made out. I NEED MENNA'S RIGHT now.
mondays should just be called national damage control day
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.
Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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