atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
So much Jack, so little girl.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
