i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Going back to my hometown to drink absinthe with highschool boys. Remind me to evaluate this decision tomorrow.
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
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