She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
