Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
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