fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
Randomize
