On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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