that last vodka shot was definitely the straw that broke the camels alcohol tolerance level
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
