you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
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