That's when you crack a 10am beer
Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
