Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Randomize
